The site I use as my homepage is a load of unmitigated tabloid…rubbish. I’m not apologising for this, and I’m not going to change it. Why would I, when each time I boot up my computer, I’m bombarded with revelations too intriguing too ignore? When every day my eyes are opened to aspects of human nature that have previously passed me by? It’s fair to say that I’m gobsmacked daily, and who doesn’t need a good gobsmack to get them going some mornings?
This isn’t a question of virtual ambulance-chasing – genuine tragedy is not their style – and I do read the proper news on another site. But I’ve obviously led a very sheltered life and missed a myriad of opportunities, and it’s never too late to learn.
I’d never have thought, for example of giving my daughters a boob job voucher for their 7th birthdays. (What a good thing none of them needed it by the time they reached the legal age.) Neither would it have occurred to me to have my backside enhanced, and particularly not by my friendly neighbourhood cosmetician who favours a mixture of cement, superglue and flat-tyre sealant. But would life have been richer if I had? Have I missed out? Harder to sit down, of course, and I’d have sunk in the surf, but surely a small price to pay for such a significant beauty aid.
I’m not quite so taken by the antics of a British woman who ended up dangling (naked) by the ankle above the foyer of a Tenerife hotel when she inadvertently slipped over the banister at the height of a bit of holiday couple-bonding. But then I always was a coward. Neither would I go for the gold-plated casket specially imported by the family of the Australian crime boss murdered in his prison cell. A bit OTT, I would have thought, when it was only seen for an hour or two – unless, of course, the rival mob comes up with foolish alternative uses for the gold-plating and retrieves it. But in that case, there’d be enough gold-plated caskets to keep everyone happy.
I must admit, though, that today’s headlines were a tad disappointing. Kim’s had to have a new Christmas-card photo-shoot (aaawww) because the pic chosen in August included Kris (who’s Kris?) and Angelina keeps her kids’ bandaids… Eh? No, I’m not even going there.
But the biggest disappointment was the bunch of bananas above the caption ‘Take the fight to bacteria at home’. Aha! I thought. I always knew bananas were shonky! But even that turned out to be a dud. Closer inspection revealed that the bananas weren’t bananas at all, but a pair of rubber gloves (yellow) on a bar of yellow soap. What a rip-off!