Daily prompt: Not happy!

Daily Prompt
Literate for a Day
Someone or something you can’t communicate with through writing (a baby, a pet, an object) can understand every single word you write today, for one day only. What do you tell them?

Dear Toothpaste

Are you aware of what a scam you are? Not legally, of course. I feel sure your sponsors have taken advice to ensure their financial backs are protected from malcontents like me. But morally…

Three shades whiter teeth? I don’t think so! Before I had my cataracts removed you might have fooled me, but these days… My vision may not be 20/20 even now, but it’s certainly good enough to know that my choppers are not the vision of sparkling brilliance your advertising suggests.

And don’t think I’m stupid, either. I’m never going to look like the sexy young thing fluttering her eyelashes above the twinkle of special effects. I know that as well as you do. But is it unreasonable to expect some improvement? Again, I don’t think so! And this despite the small print on your luxury tube that says individual results may vary. Vary, yes. Be non-existent? Not on your nelly! Not when I’ve paid an extra arm for the privilege of your presence.

And that’s another thing. Your tube. You wisely make no claims for that. And why should you? Ever since lead in tubes became illegal, manufacturers have snuffled happily at the trough of consumer exploitation, using materials that guarantee at least 10% of the contents is inaccessible. But you’ve upped the ante on this as well by using a cap that foils all attempts at last-ditch mangling, and thus the two extra brushes this usually yielded. Which is not just immoral, it’s downright unsporting.

I notice your sponsors are now recommending the purchase of your new companion to boost your performance – the special toothbrush with whitening pen. What does that say? Clever marketing and gullible consumers, I’d imagine.

No surprises there.

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10 Responses to Daily prompt: Not happy!

  1. wscottling says:

    I never understood this “white smile” trend anyway. I went around for nearly three years with half of my front tooth missing (it took me that long to get enough money to get it fixed) and no one even noticed. I had to point it out to more than one person. Honestly, no one cares what people’s teeth look like. — Unless someone’s missing most of their teeth or their teeth are *really* grody. It’s a “problem” created to sell product.

    • So many problems are created to sell product, it makes me feel ill. Fortunately, I didn’t expect miraculous results – at my age, I’d look faintly ridiculous with brilliant white teeth anyway – but it does annoy me that they can get away with such outrageous claims.

  2. bkpyett says:

    Very clever and entertaining, even if it makes you cross.

  3. Fran Macilvey says:

    I can’t cope with all the brands of toothpaste there are on the market. Thanks, Helen. Sweet post. xxx 🙂

  4. While you have the toothpaste’s attention, could you pass along my displeasure at the cost of tube of plain old toothpaste? Thanks.

  5. Monicle says:

    I recently paid $5 for a tube of toothpaste hoping to make my teeth whiter. When I got home I realized it was the same brand I bought the last time.

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